Everybody Hates Jason

…Everything you own in a box to the left…

Poor Jason Hoppy. I mean, poor Bethenny. No. No. Poor Bryn Casey Hoppy. Poor COOKIE!

Actually, ‘ol Cooks probably has the best deal going. She gets her spot back in bed right next to Bethenny. Girl Power!

I have so many conflicting feelings about this breakup. So. Many. On the one hand, I feel like the entire world saw this coming. How could you not? They fought constantly about nonsense (or so it seemed) and she was rude to his adorable parents. Seriously. They’re the cutest. How could she snub them so often and so harshly? I love B, but I always felt so badly for the Hoppys. All they wanted was to love her and she built a wall of steel around herself so they couldn’t break through. Tragic. AMIRITE?

On the other hand, this devastated me. De. Va. Sta. Ted. Here’s why. I, like Bethenny, got married and had a baby within a year. I also moved across the country so I kind of one-upped her on that…I’m an overachiever (this is a blatant lie)…but whatevs. I was watching her get married and then have a baby right after I had just done it. (I also did it first. But again….whatevs) So I felt like I could really relate to her.

I felt like we were, in many ways, living parallel lives. Me and B. Besties. New wives, new mothers, on this adventure together. She understood me. She was opinionated, had zero filter, a filthy mind, and a potty mouth. That’s my kind of girl. Minus the yoga, vegan eating, and overall healthy lifestyle. My husband is also a Jason Hoppy type. From a small town in upstate NY. Still has the same group of friends since high school. He’d rather hang out and drink beer in a dive bar watching football for 12 hours than get dressed and hit up a fancy restaurant. He also gets embarrassed when I open my giant mouth and make comments in public….or on Facebook. So it was kind of like watching my own life play out on TV (in my mind). We were the same except they had a reality show on Bravo (which we totally should have – the two or three times a week my husband and I speak to each other, it’s pretty hilarious) and got to hang out in the Clubhouse with Andy Cohen every now and again. Point being: I feel like they bailed. We were in this together. The Gallaghers and The Hoppys….and they’ve abandoned us.

I’m sad for Jason, Bethenny, and especially little Bryn. I have a 3 year old myself and I can’t imagine putting him through a divorce. I’d sooner make my husband stay married to me and be miserable just to save my son from having to split holidays and birthdays between us. F. That.

Now…here are two important things we should discuss. If I was a single girl in NYC, as I once was, I would be OUT looking for Jason Hoppy in every bar in the city right about now. It’s open season, ladies… He’s a catch! Go get some Hoppy! Secondly, who is B going to date next? I see her with someone equally ambitious. A man with his own money, business, and agenda….an André Balazs type. Who do YOU think she’ll date now???


Here’s another Jason who’s having a crap-tastic week… Jason Trawick (aka. Britney’s Boo).


This one, I did not see coming. I know, I know..some speculated. Perez Hilton told me so…but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. No way. Not this time. Brit Brit has her shizz together and they’re going to ride off into the sunset together. Right? RIGHT???

Ugh. Disappointment.

Here’s the thing. I want to believe that this is Britney of the year 2000. Hot Britney. The one the gays loved. If the gays are on board, you’re golden (see: Lady Gaga and/or Cher). I want to see her, in all of her glory, humping a snake at the VMA’s singing ‘Slave for You’…

But I think that Brit Brit may be long gone. Like…long, long, 2 kids, a nervous breakdown, and 1 Federline gone. And while she is not quite the hot, umbrella swinging, bald headed, mess she used to be, the Britney we’ve been left with is just….Meh.


(this picture is from Pinterest, but I legit made it my alarm for a while)

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I really hoped that Jason would bring my Britney back. Take one for the team…serve us up some classic Brit Brit with a side of lithium. But alas, he is moving on and now poor Sean Preston and Jayden James have only their Fritos loving papa for a male role model.

Maybe Justin Timberlake will ditch his new wife and he and Britney will take us all back to that magical time is 1998 when all was right with the world.. A girl can dream….



What’s In M’s Bag?


Gym Bag Edition

….because to be honest, I am way too anal retentive to carry around all that clutter celebrities do in my actual purse. So, gym bag it is.

I am a sweater and not in the cozy, warm, cashmere sense. When I make the time and effort to go to the gym, I go hard. So, I am a sweater. Big time. A shiny, stinky, vibrant red sweater at that. I am not a gym-before-work person, or gym-before-anything person for that matter. Why? Because I dont want people to think I lack basic hygiene skills.

However, I do like to polish off errands and the like post-workout. So, my bag revolves around making myself feel and look slightly human again.

Here are my amazing de-icking gym essentials:

1. Lululemon Headbands
Seriously though these things are made of unicorn tears or something similar. They go into my hair dry, they come off soaked, hair stays dry. Magic. Oh, and pretty colors.

2. Dry Shampoo and Baby Powder
Description unnecessary and travel sizes are a must. Thank you, talcum gods.

3. Say Yes to Cucumbers Towelettes
These are phenoms. They clean your face, smell good, and make you feel zen. Amazing. And reasonably priced at Target.

4. Travel Size Hairspray
…because sweaty hair lacks volume. Duh.

5. Sunnies (in my case, Marc by Marc Jacobs. Big heart)
No one wants to be the girl that wears mascara while running. Seriously, don’t be her. Throw on the big glasses after your run and you wont need to worry about your unmade eyes.

6. Stylish Accessories
Note how fun and un athletic looking my things are for the gym. I am a girl and I remain one even though I can run a few miles. Being in shape does not mean you cant tote your stuff in masculine crap. My vibrant gym bag was a steal at Old Navy and the smaller cosmetic cases are from H &M and Forevz. Oh, and I love my funky, bright, Saucony sneaks.

7. Bkr Water Bottle
Love the earth. Love your body. Carry this chic bottle.


Sequin Geek Chic


Ahh.. Just your everyday New Year’s Eve dilemma–to sequin or not to sequin??

New Year’s Eve is by far the sparkliest holiday of the year, and I was super stoked when I found this tres chic Calvin Klein black sequinned sheath for 23 dollars in late December (side note, not to gloat, but isn’t that the most awesome bargain?!). But, alas, two major problems interferred with my glorious bedazzled outfit:

1: Sequins hurt. Holy moley, my inner arms are on fire, Batman!

2: My plans were dinner with the bf. An eight o clock ressie at a casual restaurant doesnt exactly scream sequin and sparkles. I am all about overdressing, but this would have been ridiculous.

Determined to go into 2013 in style, I compromised by geek chic-ing up my super fancy dress. Add one whimsically patterned sweater (several seasons old and no more than twenty bucks), black tights, and my go to knee high boots, and suddenly my cocktail party attire had a casual dinner feel. I added a stretchy black belt over the whole thing to tie it together and pulled my hair up in a high bun. I loved the way it looked and I felt extra fancy without looking out of place. Not to mention the sweater protected my arms from a bloody sequin massacre. Win, win, win!


Clothes: Dress, Calvin Klein via TJ Maxx; Sweater, Forever 21; Boots, Steve Madden; Tights, Target; Blingy J. Crew Inspired Bracelet, Groop Dealz; Belt, Old

The One with the Kimye Bay Bay

OMG! You guys!!!!! Kimye is having a bay bay!!!

I know – by the time you guys read this, it will be ‘old’ news – but it was just announced last night that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting…so I’m writing my first blog entry early to catch the excitement.

Between Kim-Bay (I totally just made that up – can I ™ that?), The Royal Baby, and Jessica Simpson pulling a Tori Spelling, it’s going to be a year (or at least 6 months) of baby bumps in the headlines. Fiscal Cliff what? Presidential Inauguration who?

It almost makes me want to have another baby so I can be pregnant at the same time. You KNOW Kim is going to blow up. Her backside is going to be ginormous and the paparazzi are going to be after every shot they can get where she looks huge. That’s enough to make any pregnant lady feel better about her own body. I bet she’ll come out with her own line of Kardashian Kollection maternity wear and baby klothes. There’s no way her momager Kris isn’t going to kash out on this kid. (I’m sorry..I can’t help myself).

But seriously, there are two issues that I’d like to discuss…

1) What about Kris Humphries? Aren’t they still married? I have to wonder what Gigantor thinks of his not-yet-ex-wife getting impregnated by her rap mogul boyfriend or ‘baby daddy’ as they say… How will this affect the divorce? I don’t even know why they’re not divorced yet. What in the world could the hold up be? They’ve been separated three times as long as they were married. I’m sure he’ll make a statement within the next 48 hours wishing them the best and just wishing that he, too, could move on. Go away, Kris Humphries. Sincerely, The World.

2) What about Khloe? Poor thing has been trying to have a baby for 2 or 3 years and is having trouble. On last season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, she found out that she doesn’t ovulate regularly and needed to take meds to increase ovulation. She tweeted last night about how excited she is about the Kimye baby, but I would be a Bitter Betty if I had been trying to get pregnant for two years and not one, but BOTH of my sisters got pregnant in that time. Have any of you had fertility issues? How would you feel if you were in Khloe’s shoes? The good news is that Khloe is the most down-to-Earth Kardashian (or so it seems) so I think she’s supportive and not the jealous type. Good for you, Khlo Khlo…

There’s so much more to discuss on this topic… Will it be a girl or a boy? Will they find out the sex? What will they name it? Will they film the birth? Does anyone actually care? Probably not. But it’s a good distraction from the everyday depressing crappola we hear about and deal with.

Next time on Non-Stop Momedy: Will Jessica Simpson’s second pregnancy go by super quickly to compensate for her 18 month long first pregnancy? Will they have a boy this time and name it something equally ridiculous? Stay tuned…

Just kidding. I have no idea what the topic next time will be.


Elle’s Favorite Sanguiches


Yes, I say “sanguich” instead of “sandwich.” Yes, I know this is wrong. No, I do not care in the least.

Let’s move on from idiosyncratic pronunciation to something really important. How ridiculously, insanely, magically delicious tomatoes are during the month of August. I can’t get enough of them. Deliriously ripe tomatoes are the focus of three of the four sandwiches above (and have been the focus at least 75% of the meals I’ve been eating this month).

I implore you to try the sandwich formulas I’ve listed above while tomatoes are still this good. You’ll thank me, I promise.

PS, Everything above is totally vegetarian and could easily be made vegan except for the top left if that’s your thing.


High Five For Friday!


It’s High Five For Friday time! It’s been a great week so far. Here are my favorite parts, in no particular order:

1. The beach. ‘Nuff said.

2. This photo that popped up in my newsfeed. Hysterical. Google translate it and you’ll see why. (And according to my grandmother’s rules–which once again are the only ones that count–doesn’t count as cursing since we are in America).

3. This series of text messages I sent. I crack myself up.

4. These awesome recycled bracelets that M snagged for me. She’s the best.

5. The beach. Yes, again.


An Open Letter to Ebay

Dear Ebay,

I was supposed to become a millionaire this weekend.

Remember me? I am the one with the two pairs of “new with tags” jeans. I left them with you yesterday.

It was supposed to be a cathartic experience. The 7s have been silently mocking me from my closet when I realized all super extra clearance Dojo cuts are not created equal. The Lucky Brands kept making snide remarks about my posterior when I put them on. You may call it “listing” but I would like to think it was an emotional release. I was standing up for my feminist spirit. These jeans will not own me! I will no longer be a slave to sizes and price tags and flat butts!

As of today, only one person has viewed each pair of pants. That one person was me.

Now, my jeans are mocking me for more reasons than their awful fit. You did this to me, ebay! You–with your easy to use iPad app and empty promises of grandeur.

I loathe you, ebay!


PS– this has nothing to do with my buyers account. I am still all over the iPhone case and the necklace. Love ya!


Oh shoe-t!: A Photo Journey of My Troubles

I would like to think that teachers are known for their cutting edge fashion sense and trend setting style. But, they’re not. You think of teacher clothes, and you think of blase front pleat pants, oversized vests, and tacky decorative pins. Oh, and the shoes. Don’t forget about the comfortable shoes! Its not really my speed. I would like to think I break the teacher dress mold.

….except for the shoes. Oops! My feet hurt at the end of the day. They kill. The comfy shoe clad teachers of the world are on to something. This is where fashiony M and practical M collide. I want to be fun and fresh. And funky. But I want to be able to walk without crying. The issues!

So I have decided to photo document my shoe journey:


These are a personal favorite summer shoe of mind (Lucky Brand Hacienda Wedge)They’re tall and pretty and comfy…. for dinner. Not for any activity that requires standing, walking, or doing things on your feet. I would like to think I can wear shoes like this with my super cute outfits to work….. but I can’t. Because it would hurt. And I may end up crushing a Kindergartener with them. Fail. Next!!


In a perfect world, I would wear these amazing shoes every day of my life. They would be stylish and chic and the world would not judge me. Sigh. Such a cruel world we live in.


But, the world is not so kind and my feet are not naturally encased in gel, so I resort to these Lucky Brand moccasins (weird that both example shoes are Lucky–the only two items I own of the brand, swearsies). They love my feet and my feet love them. They magically coordinate with all my casual cool work outfits and they are suuuper comfortable. So comfortable it almost makes me want to cry. But, notice the grime? They have seen better days. Big sniffle. And they aren’t sold anymore. I have practically (and by practically, I might mean actually) worn holes in to the bottom. We are past the point of casual cool and into the grunge look. I do not do grunge.


Which brings me to these puppies. Fine, they are probably not making a spread in Vogue any time soon, but they will do. They go along with my casual chic work emsembles and they (fingers crossed, breath held) will be just as comfy as my most beloved Lucky Brand moccasins. They’re pretty classic if I say so myself. Glamorous shoes they’re not but they’re not teacher chic either. Small win in my book. And, best of all, I got them at Marshalls for way less than this price: Minnetonka Kilty Suede Moccasin. After all, teacher budget.


Things That Are Awesome: bkr water bottles


You may think its odd to be obsessed with a water bottle, but that obviously means you don’t own a bkr bottle. Sleek and chic, bkr bottles are made of glass, so there are no scary chemicals silently leeching into your body while you’re sipping.

The bottles are encased in an amazingly durable, removable silicone sleeve that protects it from any bumps and bruises along the way. And trust me, the sleeve does its job. I have straight up dropped my bottle– off of bookshelves, onto a treadmill. I am clumsy and bkr has proven that its quite able to take a beating. And if it’s not, the bkr-ers will replace your bottle if under warranty. Pretty friendly.

Did I mention how bkrs save the earth? You won’t use a bajillion plastic bottles to hydrate. Al Gore is smiling from afar.

Most importantly, it’s pretty. Swoon. Swoon.

The only bummer? The price. It’s not cheap at 30 dollars, but the quality isn’t cheap either. And it’s worth your money. One Mind, Two Coasts gives bkr three giant thumbs up. Get yours here: mybkr.com.

Happy hydration!