Everybody Hates Jason

…Everything you own in a box to the left…

Poor Jason Hoppy. I mean, poor Bethenny. No. No. Poor Bryn Casey Hoppy. Poor COOKIE!

Actually, ‘ol Cooks probably has the best deal going. She gets her spot back in bed right next to Bethenny. Girl Power!

I have so many conflicting feelings about this breakup. So. Many. On the one hand, I feel like the entire world saw this coming. How could you not? They fought constantly about nonsense (or so it seemed) and she was rude to his adorable parents. Seriously. They’re the cutest. How could she snub them so often and so harshly? I love B, but I always felt so badly for the Hoppys. All they wanted was to love her and she built a wall of steel around herself so they couldn’t break through. Tragic. AMIRITE?

On the other hand, this devastated me. De. Va. Sta. Ted. Here’s why. I, like Bethenny, got married and had a baby within a year. I also moved across the country so I kind of one-upped her on that…I’m an overachiever (this is a blatant lie)…but whatevs. I was watching her get married and then have a baby right after I had just done it. (I also did it first. But again….whatevs) So I felt like I could really relate to her.

I felt like we were, in many ways, living parallel lives. Me and B. Besties. New wives, new mothers, on this adventure together. She understood me. She was opinionated, had zero filter, a filthy mind, and a potty mouth. That’s my kind of girl. Minus the yoga, vegan eating, and overall healthy lifestyle. My husband is also a Jason Hoppy type. From a small town in upstate NY. Still has the same group of friends since high school. He’d rather hang out and drink beer in a dive bar watching football for 12 hours than get dressed and hit up a fancy restaurant. He also gets embarrassed when I open my giant mouth and make comments in public….or on Facebook. So it was kind of like watching my own life play out on TV (in my mind). We were the same except they had a reality show on Bravo (which we totally should have – the two or three times a week my husband and I speak to each other, it’s pretty hilarious) and got to hang out in the Clubhouse with Andy Cohen every now and again. Point being: I feel like they bailed. We were in this together. The Gallaghers and The Hoppys….and they’ve abandoned us.

I’m sad for Jason, Bethenny, and especially little Bryn. I have a 3 year old myself and I can’t imagine putting him through a divorce. I’d sooner make my husband stay married to me and be miserable just to save my son from having to split holidays and birthdays between us. F. That.

Now…here are two important things we should discuss. If I was a single girl in NYC, as I once was, I would be OUT looking for Jason Hoppy in every bar in the city right about now. It’s open season, ladies… He’s a catch! Go get some Hoppy! Secondly, who is B going to date next? I see her with someone equally ambitious. A man with his own money, business, and agenda….an André Balazs type. Who do YOU think she’ll date now???


Here’s another Jason who’s having a crap-tastic week… Jason Trawick (aka. Britney’s Boo).


This one, I did not see coming. I know, I know..some speculated. Perez Hilton told me so…but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. No way. Not this time. Brit Brit has her shizz together and they’re going to ride off into the sunset together. Right? RIGHT???

Ugh. Disappointment.

Here’s the thing. I want to believe that this is Britney of the year 2000. Hot Britney. The one the gays loved. If the gays are on board, you’re golden (see: Lady Gaga and/or Cher). I want to see her, in all of her glory, humping a snake at the VMA’s singing ‘Slave for You’…

But I think that Brit Brit may be long gone. Like…long, long, 2 kids, a nervous breakdown, and 1 Federline gone. And while she is not quite the hot, umbrella swinging, bald headed, mess she used to be, the Britney we’ve been left with is just….Meh.


(this picture is from Pinterest, but I legit made it my alarm for a while)

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I really hoped that Jason would bring my Britney back. Take one for the team…serve us up some classic Brit Brit with a side of lithium. But alas, he is moving on and now poor Sean Preston and Jayden James have only their Fritos loving papa for a male role model.

Maybe Justin Timberlake will ditch his new wife and he and Britney will take us all back to that magical time is 1998 when all was right with the world.. A girl can dream….




The One with the Kimye Bay Bay

OMG! You guys!!!!! Kimye is having a bay bay!!!

I know – by the time you guys read this, it will be ‘old’ news – but it was just announced last night that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting…so I’m writing my first blog entry early to catch the excitement.

Between Kim-Bay (I totally just made that up – can I ™ that?), The Royal Baby, and Jessica Simpson pulling a Tori Spelling, it’s going to be a year (or at least 6 months) of baby bumps in the headlines. Fiscal Cliff what? Presidential Inauguration who?

It almost makes me want to have another baby so I can be pregnant at the same time. You KNOW Kim is going to blow up. Her backside is going to be ginormous and the paparazzi are going to be after every shot they can get where she looks huge. That’s enough to make any pregnant lady feel better about her own body. I bet she’ll come out with her own line of Kardashian Kollection maternity wear and baby klothes. There’s no way her momager Kris isn’t going to kash out on this kid. (I’m sorry..I can’t help myself).

But seriously, there are two issues that I’d like to discuss…

1) What about Kris Humphries? Aren’t they still married? I have to wonder what Gigantor thinks of his not-yet-ex-wife getting impregnated by her rap mogul boyfriend or ‘baby daddy’ as they say… How will this affect the divorce? I don’t even know why they’re not divorced yet. What in the world could the hold up be? They’ve been separated three times as long as they were married. I’m sure he’ll make a statement within the next 48 hours wishing them the best and just wishing that he, too, could move on. Go away, Kris Humphries. Sincerely, The World.

2) What about Khloe? Poor thing has been trying to have a baby for 2 or 3 years and is having trouble. On last season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, she found out that she doesn’t ovulate regularly and needed to take meds to increase ovulation. She tweeted last night about how excited she is about the Kimye baby, but I would be a Bitter Betty if I had been trying to get pregnant for two years and not one, but BOTH of my sisters got pregnant in that time. Have any of you had fertility issues? How would you feel if you were in Khloe’s shoes? The good news is that Khloe is the most down-to-Earth Kardashian (or so it seems) so I think she’s supportive and not the jealous type. Good for you, Khlo Khlo…

There’s so much more to discuss on this topic… Will it be a girl or a boy? Will they find out the sex? What will they name it? Will they film the birth? Does anyone actually care? Probably not. But it’s a good distraction from the everyday depressing crappola we hear about and deal with.

Next time on Non-Stop Momedy: Will Jessica Simpson’s second pregnancy go by super quickly to compensate for her 18 month long first pregnancy? Will they have a boy this time and name it something equally ridiculous? Stay tuned…

Just kidding. I have no idea what the topic next time will be.


Is Jeopardy Over Yet?

It’s 8:33pm and I’m already in bed. After spending four exhausting hours chasing a 2 year old around a science museum and looking for Dora (read: Hell), I don’t even care to stay awake to watch tv (!!!!!!!!). What is happening? Is this when it all goes downhill? I don’t even have the energy to stay up and eat ice cream. The horror!!!

In other news, tomorrow is Thursday so the week is more than half over. Thank you sweet Jesus.

Can someone dvr Modern Family for me? I’m too lazy to find the remote before I pass out.

Love you, mean it…