Everybody Hates Jason

…Everything you own in a box to the left…

Poor Jason Hoppy. I mean, poor Bethenny. No. No. Poor Bryn Casey Hoppy. Poor COOKIE!

Actually, ‘ol Cooks probably has the best deal going. She gets her spot back in bed right next to Bethenny. Girl Power!

I have so many conflicting feelings about this breakup. So. Many. On the one hand, I feel like the entire world saw this coming. How could you not? They fought constantly about nonsense (or so it seemed) and she was rude to his adorable parents. Seriously. They’re the cutest. How could she snub them so often and so harshly? I love B, but I always felt so badly for the Hoppys. All they wanted was to love her and she built a wall of steel around herself so they couldn’t break through. Tragic. AMIRITE?

On the other hand, this devastated me. De. Va. Sta. Ted. Here’s why. I, like Bethenny, got married and had a baby within a year. I also moved across the country so I kind of one-upped her on that…I’m an overachiever (this is a blatant lie)…but whatevs. I was watching her get married and then have a baby right after I had just done it. (I also did it first. But again….whatevs) So I felt like I could really relate to her.

I felt like we were, in many ways, living parallel lives. Me and B. Besties. New wives, new mothers, on this adventure together. She understood me. She was opinionated, had zero filter, a filthy mind, and a potty mouth. That’s my kind of girl. Minus the yoga, vegan eating, and overall healthy lifestyle. My husband is also a Jason Hoppy type. From a small town in upstate NY. Still has the same group of friends since high school. He’d rather hang out and drink beer in a dive bar watching football for 12 hours than get dressed and hit up a fancy restaurant. He also gets embarrassed when I open my giant mouth and make comments in public….or on Facebook. So it was kind of like watching my own life play out on TV (in my mind). We were the same except they had a reality show on Bravo (which we totally should have – the two or three times a week my husband and I speak to each other, it’s pretty hilarious) and got to hang out in the Clubhouse with Andy Cohen every now and again. Point being: I feel like they bailed. We were in this together. The Gallaghers and The Hoppys….and they’ve abandoned us.

I’m sad for Jason, Bethenny, and especially little Bryn. I have a 3 year old myself and I can’t imagine putting him through a divorce. I’d sooner make my husband stay married to me and be miserable just to save my son from having to split holidays and birthdays between us. F. That.

Now…here are two important things we should discuss. If I was a single girl in NYC, as I once was, I would be OUT looking for Jason Hoppy in every bar in the city right about now. It’s open season, ladies… He’s a catch! Go get some Hoppy! Secondly, who is B going to date next? I see her with someone equally ambitious. A man with his own money, business, and agenda….an André Balazs type. Who do YOU think she’ll date now???


Here’s another Jason who’s having a crap-tastic week… Jason Trawick (aka. Britney’s Boo).


This one, I did not see coming. I know, I know..some speculated. Perez Hilton told me so…but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. No way. Not this time. Brit Brit has her shizz together and they’re going to ride off into the sunset together. Right? RIGHT???

Ugh. Disappointment.

Here’s the thing. I want to believe that this is Britney of the year 2000. Hot Britney. The one the gays loved. If the gays are on board, you’re golden (see: Lady Gaga and/or Cher). I want to see her, in all of her glory, humping a snake at the VMA’s singing ‘Slave for You’…

But I think that Brit Brit may be long gone. Like…long, long, 2 kids, a nervous breakdown, and 1 Federline gone. And while she is not quite the hot, umbrella swinging, bald headed, mess she used to be, the Britney we’ve been left with is just….Meh.


(this picture is from Pinterest, but I legit made it my alarm for a while)

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I really hoped that Jason would bring my Britney back. Take one for the team…serve us up some classic Brit Brit with a side of lithium. But alas, he is moving on and now poor Sean Preston and Jayden James have only their Fritos loving papa for a male role model.

Maybe Justin Timberlake will ditch his new wife and he and Britney will take us all back to that magical time is 1998 when all was right with the world.. A girl can dream….




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